User talk:4thoverthenight
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the File:Death for a Death Pasta.png page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 23:35, March 13, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:56, March 14, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:03, March 17, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:56, March 24, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:34, March 28, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics, your second paragraph is a massive wall-of-text. It's over twenty sentences long and makes the text appear blocky. As you've done this with other stories, I just thought I'd point that out to you. Onto the larger issues like punctuation ("But what if I were to bring it into a new light.(?)" ), wording (awkward wording: "If your reflexes have ever been triggered of something you felt sub-consciously", "If thought of deeply, war is an absurd thing.", "When we feel an emotion that can make up for the emotion our tribal ancestors felt, our human nature kicks in.", etc.), and story issues (see below). Story issues: The premise is very generic and really needs fleshing out. "Now authors have went into so much depth about this sort of dark creature inside of all of us, that it doesn't even pass as unsettling anymore." The issue here is you really don't go into the topic of why this is terrifying, just give aspects of this which make the story feel half-formed like a teenager's writing on the subject. To highlight this look at these two examples you give: "Man is the only species that is so willing to kill." and "If anyone is to take a look at politics today, it is simply crazy how some politicians believe the answer to everything, is more violence." The issue is that there is actually quite a lot of killing in the animal world ranging from primates, cats, ants, lions, to dolphins, etc. It's pretty contested that humans are the only species that kill for fun. The second example needs evidence to back up the theory as not all politicians advocate violence. There are a lot of non-violent/pacifist platforms with politicians so this feels like you're making a generalized statement. Story issues cont.: There really isn't much story here and your tendency to ramble off topic rather than focusing in depth on the topic really weakens the overall thesis. Very similar to your theory on thoughts, this tends to re-state facts and really doesn't build on any of the concepts/ideas it posits. For example, the origin of this dark side in humanity, how we differ from other animals, the political side point, and the topic of greed should all be fleshed out more to give this idea a researched and 'thought-over' feel to it rather than just jumping from one to the other without backing up the claims. I'm sorry, but this story feels hastily written, doesn't really back up its claims, and overall feels generic making it below quality standards. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:13, March 28, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:32, May 19, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story A good start is having a story that doesn't have a lot of errors present. It really feels like very little time was put into this story due to the massive amount of spelling, homophone, punctuation, grammatical, description, format, and story issues. Spelling: "He didn't want to go with the crowd an be a follower.", "The man muttered to him self (himself) as he laid a hand on the tree bark", "The trees on the path were marked with trail blazes as well as strange red runes (words missing) an occasional white sign hammered to a random tree.", "Tyler was puzzled with the strange creautre(s?)", "his.. fear? It was a fear! ", etc. There are at least half-a-dozen other instances of misspellings here. Homophone issues: ""He didn't want to let his mind role away without him",", "shuttered at the thought of perishing due to the climate. Shuttered?" I think you mean shuddered, but you misuse the word multiple times. "he himself shuttered", "Tyler shuttered again.", "Tyler thought this was all to interesting.", "It hardly hurt, but such a strange site (sight) one again made Tyler tremble.", etc. I suggest reading your stories aloud to yourself as there are quite a few more of these. Awkward descriptions: "The plants themselves looked bored with the lack of rain" As plants need water to survive, using bored comes off as an understatement. "it plummeted in a whirlpool-like fashion; circling round and round until it drifted tranquilly to the ground wounded; dying" How can something plummet and fall tranquilly as those two imply very different things. "Tyler ripped the Swiss army knife out of his pocket, and tossed it at the whistle, knocking it out of the man's hands." It feels very unlikely that he'd be able to throw a knife with enough accuracy to knock the whistle from the gorilla man's hands )due to a gorilla's inane strength and Tyler's sharpshooter-esque accuracy.) Grammar: "Yet Tyler had not noticed it's sub-class" it's=it is, its=possession. You also have a tendency to overuse names. As Tyler is the only named protagonist, it feels redundant to name him multiple times in the same paragraph. "Tyler knew that as a fact. Then Tyler pondered over something else: albatrosses? Here? Tyler wondered aloud: "Does the river in Delake connect to the sea?" Tyler made a note to look that up once he got back home. Then Tyler wondered..." Punctuation: you forget to use quotations properly a number of times throughout the story. ""Wolves will not act in such a stupid fashion. We will bring order to this world, while respecting other species.(quotation mark missing) Tyler shook his head", " "Tyler was answered with the stiff growl once again, and he himself shuttered.", ""If you humans think you can evolve past us, you are dead wrong.(quotation missing) The wolves", etc. Story issues: "With him, Tyler had a rifle loaded with 16 iron bullets, as well as a Swiss-army knife" Starting with the basics, iron hasn't been used in bullets since the early 19th century. Additionally if the area is a popular spot as you mention with the numerous tourists and the man with the Texan-accent, hunting would likely be restricted. ("A bird flew 10 ft over Tyler's head, and he instinctively took his rifle out and shot at it.") "he saw an ape-like creature on one of them. The ape had no tail, and walked on four legs" Apes by nature don't have tails. Monkeys do, so I assume it was a mix-up of genus. There were a lot of other things that didn't feel researched or thought through, but I'm going to move on to other issues so this message isn't too lengthy. Story issues cont.: You need to properly space dialogue. Two speakers should never be on the same paragraph as it tends to muddle who is saying what and breaks story flow. Look at this line for example: "Tyler spoke at the man: "What do you want?" "Want? I do not want anything." "What are you laughing at?" "Your attempt to leave." "What?"" I suggest looking through some stories and novels to get a better understanding of story format. Story issues cont.: "A rather useless yet pleasing bit of information sunk into Tyler's brain. They're deaf! he thought, yes, the dots must have been braille markings!" makes no sense. How are the animals deaf in any way when there are multiple instances of them hearing and responding to audio sounds. "Seconds later, wolves came running out of the forest on two feet, howling to the beat of the hawk's call", "Tyler was answered with the stiff growl once again, and he himself shuttered.", ""If you humans think you can evolve past us, you are dead wrong.(quotation missing) The wolves howled in agreement.", etc I'm sorry, but there are a lot of times where you contradict yourself (sometimes within the same paragraph.) Story issues cont.: "The man walked over to Tyler, and beat him with his cane" then he blows the whistle to this: "The man arose from the chair, and spoke with the wolves with finger movements." When did he sit in the chair and why wasn't it mentioned? It just comes off as him randomly teleporting to a chair (in the middle of nowhere). It feels random that he shifted positions and it wasn't mentioned as you were describing his actions earlier in a step-by-step process. Story issues end: There are a lot of other issues, but I'm off to do other things so I'll just leave a few more. "The gorilla man lifted his cane in the air, and millions and millions of wolves raced into the circle. "Wh-" The gorilla man smiled: "We have no birth control."" First off, a million wolves could not be that easily hidden or within earshot (additionally they're deaf according to you). Second, the wolves would have to eat something to sustain those numbers. Not having birth control would increment population, but lacking a food supply would severely limit it. There is a massive logic disconnect throughout this story. In summation, if you're looking to improve, I would strongly suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as you've overlooked a massive amount of spelling, homophone, grammatical, wording, plot holes, inconsistencies, etc. in your story and this is the fourth story of yours that's been deleted for failing to meet quality standards. I would also suggest spending a lot of time thinking your story through as I read it in a couple of minutes and I turned up all of these issues/ideas lacking research at a glance. That issue was also present in the story I reviewed above and in the Peter Pan story I critiqued in the writer's workshop as well. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:52, August 2, 2016 (UTC)